In this situation everyone laughed, each in their own way, of course, and sometimes because of something genuinely funny, in which case the laughter lasted longer and could at times completely take over, but also for no apparent reason at all, just as a token of friendliness or openness. It lubricated conversations or gave them a shot of something else which didn’t have so much to do with what was being said as with being together with others. People laughed almost all the time, they said something, laughed, others said something, everyone laughed. To make up for this, I smiled a lot, I might also emit some laughter-like sounds, so I don’t think anyone noticed or found it conspicuous.ěut I knew: I never laughed.Ěs a result, I became especially conscious of laughter as such, as a phenomenon - I noticed how it occurred, how it sounded, what it was. So basically I was able to laugh, I had the capacity, but in my everyday life, in social situations, when I was with people around a table chatting, I never laughed. That is, it did happen once in a while, maybe once every six months, when I would be overcome by the hilarity of something and just laugh and laugh, but that was always unpleasant because then I completely lost control, I was unable to regain my composure, and I didn’t like showing that side of myself to others. One was that I came too fast, often before anything had happened at all, and the other was that I never laughed. “There were two things that particularly bothered me in those days.
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